[AU] 8x07 Aftermath 'CAUSE WE CAN!!!

[jerkchester]

[ it's night and Dean is coping ]

[ with alcohol ]

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[freewill]

... I see.

[jerkchester]

[turning the bottle in his hands]

I can't tell what's worse. Knowing it's not my fault or knowing...

[freewill]

[lower his head into his hand, sighs]

You avoided the truth. So... that must be worse.

[jerkchester]

[laughs, bitter and strung-out]

Yeah. What the fuck was I thinking, expecting someone to hold onto me?

[freewill]

... It wasn't about you, Dean. I mean that.

[jerkchester]

It was about your fucking penance, I heard.

[freewill]

[gets up and walks over to where Dean is sitting. he places a hand on Dean's shoulder, that shoulder.]

I mean it. Your safety mattered to me more than anything. So pushing you into the portal, it wasn't a rejection. It was to make sure you didn't try and stay behind with me.

[jerkchester]

And I'm supposed to be, what, grateful?

[freewill]

No. It's just difficult for me to comprehend that you'd think you were ever unimportant to me.

[jerkchester]

...

[freewill]

[lifts his hand up and lets it linger in the air, as if he wants to put it somewhere else...]

[jerkchester]

[quiet]

We could have done it.

[freewill]

I didn't think I deserved it.

... Deserved you.

[jerkchester]

So what do I deserve? Since apparently you've got it figured out.

[freewill]

You deserve... peace. Safety. You deserve for demons and angels alike to stop coming after you, looking for something.

[jerkchester]

But that's not what I want.

[freewill]

What do you want?

[jerkchester]

I want to go for miles in my car. [takes a deep breath] I want nothing but the wind and my music. I want to do the family business. And I want to know the things I have, I won't keep losing them. I want to know it's okay to be me and not ... lose.

[freewill]

[slowly, carefully, puts a hand against Dean's face, cupping his cheek]

[jerkchester]

Cas?

[freewill]

[pulls back]

When Sam gets back, you should take a drive. I can transport you and your car wherever you want, and you can enjoy the road. Just you and your car and your music.

[jerkchester]

...

[freewill]

Sam and I will be here when you get back, waiting.

[jerkchester]

[swallows]

[freewill]

... [sighs] I know it doesn't fix anything.